Jude Hardin

Author, Drummer, Turtle Whisperer

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Location: United States

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

How to Lose Weight and Get a Seven-Figure Book Deal, Part Two

So where am I going with this? What could any of this possibly have to do with writing? With getting a seven-figure book deal?

Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Tess Gerritsen, Brad Thor, John Grisham, Janet Evanovich, Robert Crais...

What do all these bestselling novelists have in common?

I’ll tell you what they have in common. They are SKINNY.

Just a coincidence? Or is there something a little more sinister going on here? Is there a direct correlation between body proportions and book sales? Is the publishing industry secretly blackballing husky, paunchy, plump, rotund, tubby, beefy, heavy, pot-bellied, plus-sized writers while promoting their lean counterparts? What is an editor really saying when he tells you to trim the fat?

It’s a conspiracy, I tell you! Just ask any fat writer who hasn’t gotten a book deal yet or who hasn’t made it to the NYT bestseller list.

So, I’m determined to lose thirty pounds this year, and the only way I know how to do that is to eat less and exercise more.

But, as anyone who has tried can testify, eating less and exercising more isn’t as easy as it sounds. I can subject myself to The Administrator of Pain (no, I don’t have a dominatrix. I’m talking about my exer-cycle, you perverts, so get your minds out of the gutter!) for twenty minutes every day, only to see negligible results by the end of the week. You see, twenty minutes on level 5 of the Plateau mode only burns 140 calories. That doesn’t sound bad, until you consider that SITTING ON YOUR ASS DOING NOTHING burns about 40. So, twenty minutes of torture for a net expenditure of 100 calories. That’s one light beer. Half a Snickers bar. One friggin’ bite of a cheeseburger...

And now, without further ado, here’s what you’ve been patiently waiting for: Math!

According to my exhaustive, painstaking research (i.e. about thirty seconds on Google), to lose one pound a week, I need to alter my caloric intake/expenditure by 500 calories a day. So, if I burn 100 calories/day through increased exercise, and lower my caloric intake by 400, I should, in approximately four years, theoretically, disappear.

Gee. I hope I get a book deal before that happens.


Blogger spyscribbler said...

ROFL! LOL! Sheesh, though, you're right, Jude!

I've really got to lose some weight, if I'm going to get one of those advances you aim for. I really hope this 3 hours a day of walking and writing at the same time will help, LOL!

10:51 PM  
Blogger Jude Hardin said...


I'm thinking about using a pen name and a pen body.

11:18 PM  
Blogger Davin C. Goodwin said...


How about a pen head?

Sorry, bro -- I just couldn't resist ;-)

2:00 PM  
Blogger Jude Hardin said...


They can put a picture of Phyllis Diller on the cover for all I care, long as the checks are made out to me. :)

10:05 PM  
Blogger Davin C. Goodwin said...

HA! Agreed!

10:27 PM  
Blogger LurkerMonkey said...

Ha ha! Look on the bright side, those 400 calories aren't really 400 calories ... it's an exponential thing. You build muscle ... muscle has a much higher resting metabolism than fat (which has none) ... ergo, you amp up your metabolism. You'll be burning fat in your sleep! While you're watching TV! While you're stalking seven-figure authors on the Internet!

All this for a mere half-hour of agony daily.

8:45 AM  
Blogger Jude Hardin said...

That's good news, Jon. TV, the internet, and sleeping are my favorite activities.

9:24 AM  
Blogger spyscribbler said...

HAH! ROFL! Have you seen Tess Gerritsen's blog today? It made me think of your post, LOL!

6:14 PM  
Blogger Jude Hardin said...

I just saw Tess's post, LOL.

9:44 PM  
Blogger zappcalling said...

I just read your blue chip post and it makes happy to know you've stopped smoking, good for you. About the loosing weight, how about thinking fit body and not skinny? An hour a day of kickboxing, running or cycling clears out the cobwebs in my brain. Push your self a bit and see what happens.

9:27 AM  

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